On "THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER" (Part 2)

(Before I begin, I have been asked to add the following disclaimer: At no time did Kelly say that I was a bad father. She did not suggest that I would end up being a worse parent than her simply because I am a man. She was making a generalization about cultural norms... Thank You.)


When I pressed Kelly for further information she said, "Well, don't you think I'm the better organizer and multitasker?" A quick look around our living room at her breakfast dishes and massive amounts of coupons and fliers, followed by a doubting glance led her to elaborate. She said that studies have shown that women are better at multitasking and organizing than men are. I invited her (as I invite any of my readers) to find such a study online anywhere in our vast internet. She said she probably could but was too tired to try at that exact moment. The subject has come up a few times since including a day when she ended up reading the last post entry. She doesn't deny making any of the statements that I attributed to her, but resents me using her in my blog without permission. The truth is that if I tried to relate the story using a false name I would run into 2 problems: lack of BELIEVEABILITY and RELATION TO THE WRITER. Simply put, it kinda means more that the mother of my only child holds this opinion and I never realized it.

Back to the matter at hand, I personally have never seen a study claiming that women are better at these life functions than men are. I even did a Google search for the subject. The closest I could find is that women BELIEVE they are better multitaskers and problem solvers than men. I had a sneaky suspicion that if I scanned a little further ahead I would find an expected related statistic... Sure enough, most men agree. A Wall Street Journal article suggested that women may gain more skills in these areas through activities such as child-rearing. This seems to suggest that the cause and effect are reversed. The "primary caregiver" develops more skills in these areas and in the majority of households, that person is a woman.

The argument here seems to be whether or not women are better parents through biology. In the animal kingdom as a whole, the female of most species is the primary caregiver for the young. Biology does seem to play a large part there. Mammals feed their young milk from the female and thus it is more important that she be around during the early part of life.

Just for fun, let's pretend Kelly, Jacob and I were ELEPHANTS: (Any "fat jokes" made in the comment section will be quickly deleted!)... In the elephant world, the male mates with the female then leaves to roam the savannah on his own. The calf is then cared for by the mother as well and her herd of other adult female elephants in the family. I'm pretty sure that Jake would be fine if he was the elephant calf in this scenario. He would feed from his mothers teats until he was old enough to eat grasses and leaves and such. I also have no doubt that Kelly's mother and sisters would support Jacob and protect him from lions. If the roles were reversed, I'm also sure that I could fend off lions fairly well BUT, sadly, no milk. (I really don't envy this part of the female's biological role.) I dare say, Jake would not survive for long without food. In the elphant world as with all mammals, the female is vitally important to the survival of the young.

Well gee, Steve, doesn't that kinda make the argumet that women ARE better parents? It might if it weren't for one annoying little detail... we're NOT elephants. Humans have used science and technology to develop a milk susbstitute that works nearly as well as breast milk. The Leche League people can take issue with me on this, but the truth is that many babies grow up to live long and healthy lives having never tasted breast milk. I am in no way saying that children are just as well adjusted if they have no relationship with their mothers. I am only saying that a child can survive without ever having known his father OR his mother after birth. WE have escaped out biology in this case.

I have searched for quite a while and have yet to see any study that suggests that men are better parents than women. The fact that most people believe this is true does not validate it. I do believe that the average woman in her 40's may indeed be better at organizing and mulitasking. But let's use the following logical steps if we choose to make that statement:

1.) Being the primary caregiver for a child is the hardest job that anyone can undertake. It involves using all of your problem solving skills to hold things together particularly during the early years.

2.) Most primary caregivers ARE women and therefore much more women than men have cared for a child for a significant period of time. THEREFORE>>>

3.) On average, women are better at organizing and multitasking than men.

You can feel free to agree or disagree and of course your comments are welcomed. The point of the post, though, was that Jake was already 3 months old before I knew that his mother felt like this. I still kinda' laugh thinking about people who knew us in high school seeing us now, like this: Steve fighting for gender equality despite Kelly's sexism... Mr. Pisanelli would probably have a heart attack!


Anyway, stay tuned for my next post when I head "into the mailbag" for the first tiume to address some comments and e-mails that I have gotten since I started this blog. Who knows? You might just see your own comment mentioned!

On RAPE

Compared to subjects like child custody, circumcision and child support, rape issues are not seen as one of the hot button issues raised by many men's rights groups. This doesn't make them less important but almost appear to be ignored as a "lost cause" by many men's activist groups. I want to explore why this occurs and why so many people seem to think that rape can only take place when the perpetrator is male.

Now statistics show that of all reported rapes, only 10% of victims are male. The same studies show that approximately 99% of perpetrators are male. Add that to the fact that only 2% of all accused rapists are convicted and the likelihood of anyone accused of raping a male doing any jail time are very small. In recent years, however, a few cases have become widely reported by the media (See: May Kay Latterno etc...). It seems like these cases are often ridiculed. I seem to remember an episode of South Park called "Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy" where 3 year-old Ike begins a sexual relationship with his kindergarten teacher. When his older brother Kyle attempts to report it to the police, the officers laugh and call Ike the "Luckiest Boy Ever". I have noticed that almost every comic who has discussed these cases takes a similar opinion and asks the same question. "Where were these teachers when I was in school???" We all laugh it off and ignore the fact that there is a crime with a victim involved.

I have always been sort of curious about whether or not it was even possible for a man to be rapedby a woman. Apparently, even a dedicated masculist can have stupid, sexist opinions every now and then. It wasn't until I saw an episode of Law & Order: SVU that I really started to wonder about the possibility. The episode is #310-"Ridicule"... an appropriate title. A male stripper had claimed that 3 women tied him up and raped him at a bachelorette party. I was a fan of the episode because it showed one of the major myths surrounding female-on-male rape. Elliot Sader (aka. Coolest Detective EVER) refuses to believe that a man can be raped since a man can't penetrate a woman without achieving sexual arousal. As we all know, sexual arousal=enjoyment... doesn't it?

Actually, no. Studies have shown that men experience an erection in a variety of situations including times of fear and anxiety. I believe that even many men seem to believe that if they become aroused it is a sign that they are enjoying the experience even if their senses tell them that they are not. This is probably one of the biggest reasons that men refuse to report being victims of rape. This pathology is also at play in cases of molestation. Many civtims of sexual abuse experience some kind of arousal during the abuse.

Another question that many people have is how it would be possible for a woman to overpower a man. I have no doubt that I will come back to this issue many many times but it remains true: Men are typically bigger and stronger than women. How is it possible for a man to be physically over powered by a woman? I have found 2 often forgotten explanations to this.

First, there are more ways to subdue a man than simple physical force. Fear or guilt would be two good examples and two that are used far more often in male-on-female rape than simple physical overpowering. All too often, the perpetrator in a rape case is someone the victim knows well. According to a UCSC study, 31.8% of rapists in female-on-rape cases are either wives or girlfriends. Another strange statistic is that 22.6% of female rapists are ex-girlfriends while only 12.2% of male rapists are ex-boyfriends. I have no idea what to make of that one.

Second, people seem to forget that in a great many male-on-female rape cases, the victim reports being CHEMICALLY subdued. Have men developed an immunity to date-rape drugs? Is it impossible for a man to be too drunk to consent to sex? Come on now.

Another problem that many masculists deal with is the idea that there are "macho" expectations out of men. (I will deal with this issue a lot further in a future post about female-on-male violence in general). For the time being let's simply imagine the social ramifications of a man who reports being raped by a woman. We have already seen that these cases are ridiculed in the media. Many women refuse to report being raped because they feel humiliated by the experience. Add to that the stigma that goes along with a man being violently attacked by a woman. Is it really any wonder that men are more reluctant to come forward?

Masculists only seek equality. In rape cases, we would like to see these accusations taken as seriously as male-on-female rape cases. We would also like equality in sentencing specifically in statutory rape cases. I fear that we may be further off than we hope since few men's rights activist groups are even addressing the issue.... (sigh)