On "THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER"

This may be a bit of a departure from the normal big, political, stat-filled argument based on some heated political topic. This one is more of a rant about something that has been bothering me lately and goes right to the heart of masculism. I want to talk about Kelly...

A little back story here: Kelly and I have known each other since we were 12. We met in middle school and have maintained a very close relationship ever since. While I have never held very strong political opinions (though I so love to argue), Kelly is probably left of Lenin. She has always considered herself quite the liberal with very progressive views on social and economic policies. I have disagreed on much of what she believes but I have always respected her opinions. Through much of high school, Kelly was seen as a sort of champion of feminism. She supported women's rights and specifically believed that a woman should not be punished for having a child. She felt that a large reason that women were labeled as the "inferior sex" was the fact that men are the primary breadwinners while women are the primary caregivers. I agreed with that opinion.

When I was in college, I took a course called "Global Business and Society". That was Marist's way of teaching business ethics without making it appear that they were trying to push their own Catholic ideas on their business students. The course was taught by a Lutheran Pastor who had some very conservative fiscal views and reactionary opinions to things we had been hearing about through mass media. One of his favorites was the often used feminist statistic that, on average, a 40 year-old woman makes less money on-the-dollar than a man in the same position. His argument went something like this:

"Not only is this statistic NOT a 'travesty', it actually makes a lot of sense. In the United States, women are still seen as the primary caregivers for children and often take short to very long periods of time in their late 20's and early 30's to take care of their offspring. On AVERAGE, by the age of 40 women have around 2 years less experience than men and should be paid less based on that alone."

Now, whether or not you agree with him is totally up to you. It does seem to make some logical sense. People with more experience get paid more money. I can also see how someone like Kelly might view this as a punishment for women who choose to have children and stay home to care for them. I personally don't agree with her, but I respect that opinion.

Fast forward to May 22, 2008. Kelly and I discover that we are going to be parents. At that moment MANY decisions had to be made about how we were going to care for the baby with our limited income and time. It took several months of discussions but we came to the following conclusion: My job can be done at night and her job comes with health insurance. The stage was set for the increasingly common stay-at-home Dad scenario. Today, Kelly and I live together and take care of our son Jake as a team with me staying at home during the daytime (occasionally assisted by his grandmother and aunts) and she cares for him in the evenings while I work.

Around a month ago, when this whole masculist fire was lit within me, she was lying on the couch listening to me rattle on about the masculist issues that were brought up in the Wikipedia entry. I made some mention of the idea that women are constantly seen as the primary caregiver of the child. In further research, I found some statistics on the number of times that child custody is awarded to the mother in divorce cases in which both parents petition. She sort of laughed and said, "Well you gotta' know that makes at least a little sense..." Up until that moment I wasn't aware that I had the ability to cast an intimidating glare. Apparrently she was taken aback by my facial expression and tried to explain herself. Unfortunately, one sentence was uttered that there was just no coming back from: "Women are just better parents."


(To be continued...)